i jhust puked up my retainher.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
