Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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