I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
