dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
