He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
