she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
