ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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