she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
