You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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