i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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