Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
