too bad you live with your parents still
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
