I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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