How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
