apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
