erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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