the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
