i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
