Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
