need another drink. this is the easiest way
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
