who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
