I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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