I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
