I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
and you fell through a lawn chair
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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