Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
