she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
