I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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