Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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