How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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