hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
