you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
did i just pee glitter
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
