Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
