Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
