At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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