"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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