life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
