70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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