I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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