dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
