Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
