Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
