Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
