you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Someone came in the potted fern
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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