I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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