You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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