She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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