i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
