I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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