If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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