If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
