you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just cut my nipple shaving
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
