Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
