well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
